my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Randomize
