Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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