All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
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