He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
