We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
