why im i the only drunk person in the library?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
