Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
