just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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