i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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