conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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