I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
