Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
