just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
