I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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