now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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