Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
