I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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