Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
