so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
