you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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