Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
