last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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