She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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