I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
