she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
