shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize