a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
