my mouth tastes like poor choices
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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