He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
