Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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