I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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