come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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