I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Randomize
