In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
