tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize