I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
