I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
