dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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