yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
