John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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