On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
