I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
