I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
