My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
