I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
