i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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