she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
