Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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