There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
