oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
