Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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