you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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