News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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