There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
