i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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