I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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